Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
