your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
