The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
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