He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
