I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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