I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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