Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
