last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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