i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I still have a little drunk in my system
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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