Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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