At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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