Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
