Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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