I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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