Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
