i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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