Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
