I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
