So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
