Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize