Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
