i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
