Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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