wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
