i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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