Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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