Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
they call him Oral-B. enough said
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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