Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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