I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
