I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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