I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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