This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
