rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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