My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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