I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
