the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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