So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
