I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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