I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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