he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
