I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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