I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize