Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
