Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
