Pass out mid-funnel last night.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
