well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize