Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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