Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
