Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
