So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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