Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
