if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
the raccoons are back...
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