So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
