If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
