i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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