I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
