SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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