Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
